Crack fic
by gar-a-ash
Summary: This is what happens to the Akatsuki when I'm bored. Just pure, funny chaos.
1. Meeting the Akatsuki

"Attention shoppers! We have a severe lightning warning in effect, so we recommend that you all stay inside until the storm is over. Thank you for your patience!"

With that, the intercom clicked dead, and Tanner looked down at Sam, who was cowering on the floor with her hands over her ears.

"Sam, the voices are gone, you can get up now."

She blinked and looked up at him, then accepted Faith's hand up.

"Those voices always scare me. They just come out of nowhere."

"We know, Sam."

The group of five were in Wal-mart at this moment in time, getting supplies for their weekend at a Sam's house. Her parents were going away for the weekend, and said it would be all right if they stayed there. Sam had recently gotten her license, so they were all buying movies and other stuff for the vacation.

Raven grabbed a DVD case, lifting it up and flipping it over to see what it was about.

"Don't even bother. That movie sucks."

"You think every movie sucks, Lugen. Let Sam decide, she's the horror expert."

Raven handed to movie to Sam, who eagerly snatched it and read the back.

"It sounds familiar. I think it's a good movie. Oh well, let's get it anyways!"

She tossed it in the cart's general area, and Faith dove to catch it before it hit the floor.

"Geez, Sam, I knew you were horrible at sports, but how could you miss a basket THAT big?" the girl joked, flipping her long red hair over her shoulder.

Sam just stuck her tongue out, looking at another movie. Tanner peered over her shoulder, and said, "That looks interesting."

Sam screamed and leaped away, attracting the attention of a few other people. "Tanner, don't scare me like that!"

"How did I scare you?"

"I didn't see you there!"

"Oh yeah, forgot the 'no peripheral vision' thing."

"Shut up."

Lugen rolled his eyes, brown orbs looking through his glasses. "Wow, Sam, that is an epic fail."

"I know I'm a failure, you don't have to rub it- Hey, look, Cheez-puffs!"

She rushed toward the display, mid-length brown hair streaming behind her. Raven sighed and followed her, helping load Sam's arms with the junk food. Faith chuckled lightly and walked over to help, Tanner following. Lugen stayed with the cart, after all, who knew what kind of person would come up and steal it?

Sam came back, dumping multiple bags.

"Got enough?"

"I love Cheez-puffs."

"I thought you loved cookies?"

"I live for cookies. Cheez-puffs I just like."

"Speaking of cookies….." Tanner got an evil glint in his eye, and he pulled a package of cookies off a display Sam failed to notice. "Hey, Sam, look what I got!"

Sam looked over, and Tanner almost had his arm taken off by a brown-haired blur. She crouched on the floor, hugging the package and whispering, "My precious, my precious…."

They all cracked up, Raven falling on the floor with Faith using her shoulder as a support. Tanner wiped a tear from his eye, laughing, "Damn, Sam, you're fucking weird."

"Is that supposed to be an insult?"

"For you, it's a compliment."

"Thank you!"

Lugen helped pick the blond-haired Raven off the floor, and Tanner helped support the still-laughing Faith. Sam walked over, tossing the cookies in the cart. "Mine."

"We know", they all said in unison.

Having all the supplies they needed, they pushed the cart to the front of the store, heading for the registers. Arriving, they saw the crowd looking anxiously out the front at the greenish clouds.

"It's not that bad out. Geez, we live in the North Country. You'd think they'd be used to weird weather by now."

"You know how they are."

They paid for their purchases, Sam whipping out a credit card.

"Sam, where'd you get the card?"

"Snatched it from my dad. He told me the pin number so he wouldn't forget it, and I've always forged his signature."

"Makes sense."

Picking up the bags, they waded through the crowd, forcing people out of their way. Just when they were about to leave, a store employee came up and said, "Please remain indoors, there's a storm watch in effect."

Tanner sighed. "We know about the storm, but Sam here is terrified of them, and we left her medication at home. We need to get there before the storm starts."

Sam started whimpering and clutching Faith's arm, biting her lip and looking out the window in mock-fear. The employee looked at her, and seemed to buy it.

"Allright, just be careful."

"We will! Thanks!" Tanner called as he looked back over his shoulder, steering a frightened-looking Sam out the door and towards the blue Durango she borrowed from her mom. As soon as her face was turned away, Sam let go of the scared look, grinning. Lugen shook his head.

"Sam you are a good fucking actor."

"I know. Remember the 'Ask Peter' incident?"

Raven growled. "I still haven't forgiven you for that."

"I can't believe you thought Peter was real for three hours."

Before they could launch into an argument, Faith said, "Sam, you have the keys, right?"

Sam completely forgot the argument and pulled them out of her pocket, waving them in the air.

"Shot-gun!" Tanner yelled, leaping into the front seat as soon as it was unlocked.

"Hey!"

"He called it", Sam said, sliding into the driver's seat. They grumbled, but slid into the back seats, Raven crawling to the third row.

Once they were all buckled in, Sam started the car, turning on the windshield wipers to get rid of the light rain. She flicked the headlights on, and carefully backed out of her spot. She drove through the parking lot, signaling before turning onto the road.

"Wow, the road's empty", Lugen observed, looking boredly out the window.

"Did you just realize that?" Raven asked from behind him. Lugen flipped her off calmly, and Sam watched from the rear-view mirror.

"Behave you two. I don't need any distr- Hey!"

"What?" they all asked, slightly tensed.

"I just realized I had my signal light on for the past three miles."

They stared at her.

"And they gave you a license?" Lugen asked, eyebrow raised.

"Hey, I got 94 out of 100 points, so don't say anything."

They chuckled at the absent-minded Sam, turning their attention back out the windows. They all sat in silence, listening to the static-y radio, waiting for the ten-minute drive to end. Tanner finally got bored, and changed to the CD, seeing what was in the disk-player.

They all shouted and covered their ears as screaming came on, and Tanner flicked the music off.

"Hey, I like that song!" Sam complained.

Lugen rubbed his ears, and said, "Tanner, when did it become a good idea to turn on Sam's music?"

"I wasn't thinking."

"Don't pick on my music! It's not my fault you guys listen to crap!"

"Sam, you listen to music that could shred eardrums in thirty seconds."

"So?"

"I make my point."

Sam growled and kept driving, turning the wipers up higher as the rain started pouring down. "Damn, this rain's not letting up."

"Are you okay driving in it?" Faith asked.

"Yeah, I took my road test in the rain, remember?"

They all sat silently, and as Sam pulled in the driveway, a crack of thunder sounded, so loud they were all deaf for a few seconds afterwards.

"Wow, that was loud!"

"No shit, Sherlock."

They unloaded the groceries quickly, desperate to get out of the pouring rain. They dropped the last bag on the table, grumbling to themselves.

"Now that I think about it, did we plan where we were all sleeping?"

They stared at each other.

"Didn't think so. Let's see, Faith can have top bunk in my room, Lugen and Tanner can share Morgan's room, and Raven can have the couch."

"Why do I get the couch?"

"You thought it was comfy, remember?"

"Oh yeah!"

They put the groceries away, Sam directing what went in what cupboards. Thunder boomed outside, making the house shake.

Tanner, somehow having gotten out of assisting, said, "Wow, this is some storm. I don't think we're watching any movies tonight."

"Doesn't matter", Sam said, "This is perfect weather for telling scary stories."

Raven paled. "Do we have to?"

"What, scared?" Sam teased.

"Sam, last time you told me a scary story, you turned off the lights and bit me when the monster got the guy."

Sam shrugged. "I couldn't help it, I was hungry."

"We knew she was a cannibal, how does this surprise you, Raven?"

"She didn't have to bite me!"

Right on cue, the power went out.

"Aw man!"

"I'll go flip the breaker", Sam said, and they could hear footsteps walking by them.

"Sam, how can you see?"

"I've walked down the road at four-thirty, this is nothing."

The footsteps traveled to the living room, and down the basement steps, and the rest stood patiently in the kitchen. The lights came back on, and they sighed happily.

"Sam, the lights are on!" Tanner called through the floor.

"Got it!" came the muffled reply. Sam walked back up the stairs, scratching her head.

"You all right?" Faith asked, looking at her.

"Actually, I'm kinda tired. The storm, you know? I think I'm going to bed early tonight."

Tanner rolled his eyes. "Oh yes, the amazing Sam falls asleep in storms, how could we forget?"

Sam just yawned and flipped him off, heading into her room. "Guys, I don't think it's safe to shower, so we'll take turns tomorrow morning, okay?"

"Sure", they all replied, yawning as well.

"Sam, god damn it, your yawns are contagious."

She grinned evilly, turning back to face them. "That just means you'll go to bed too."

Faith shrugged. "Might as well. Night, guys!"

With a few more yawns, they changed into their pajamas and went to bed, falling swiftly asleep.

A loud crack of thunder echoed through the house, waking everyone up.

"Holy shit!" Lugen yelled, bolting upright.

"What happened?" Tanner asked groggily.

"A loud crack of thunder, that's what happened!"

Sam rushed into their room, eyes wide. "Are you guys all right?!"

"Yeah."

"The power went out, and I'm gonna check the breaker again. Go in my room, Raven and Faith are already in there."

A flash of lightning turned the room white for a few seconds, illuminating everything in a surreal way.

Sam pushed them into the hallway, taking advantage of the light. "Guys, get out of my way, I need to get to the basement."

The two walked into Sam's room, and she continued on to the basement. Faith and Raven sat on Sam's bed, talking tensely.

"Hey guys. Sam went into the basement to check the breakers."

Tanner sat next to Faith, holding his girlfriend's hand. Lugen sat on the lone chair, propping one leg up on the desk. "Knowing her, she'll walk into a wall or something."

"That's not nice", Faith chastised.

"But it is true", Tanner pointed out. Faith frowned, then smiled.

"Yeah, you're right."

The alarm clock suddenly turned on, red digits blinking. Faith reached around Tanner and tapped the touch lamp, turning it on high. Sam came back up, holding her head.

"What happened to you?" Raven asked.

"I forgot the stairs were close to the ceiling, and I bumped my head."

They cracked up, and Sam looked on in confusion. "What'd I miss?"

"We were talking about how you would walk into a wall."

"Gee, thanks for having faith in me."

"Don't drag me into this", Faith joked.

Sam blinked in confusion, then grinned. "Oh, I get it!"

A sudden crash from upstairs made them shut up. They listened intently, and soon footsteps walked quickly across the ceiling above them.

"Shit, someone's upstairs", Raven said fearfully.

Sam reached under her bed and pulled a knife out from underneath the mattress.

"Sam, you keep a knife underneath your mattress?" Tanner asked incredulously.

She shrugged, and replied, "I needed to find a way to convince Morgan that waking me up in the morning was a bad idea. Needless to say, he soon learned."

Faith stared at her. "Remind me not to wake you up in the morning."

Sam ignored her and walked to the door stealthily, keeping the knife at ready.

"You're going up there?" Raven squeaked.

"This is my house, and I'm not letting some hobo in."

Sam walked out the door, and everyone followed, keeping some distance behind. Sam was perfectly capable of defending herself. She learned how to handle a knife from butchering chickens, and her cannibalistic nature wouldn't keep her from harming whoever was upstairs.

They reached the bottom of the stairs, and watched Sam start up them, keeping the knife at ready.

Before she even got halfway up them, a silver-haired man walked down, followed closely by a blond kid, and bumped into her. She lost her balance, and the man was knocked backwards as well.

"Watch where you're fucking going!"

Sam fell backwards, dropping the knife as she tried to catch her balance. She yelped as she hit the floor, landing on her head and rolling backwards onto her face.

"Oww……."

"It's your own Jashin-damned fault!" the man yelled, rubbing his nose. The blond kid peered around him, looking at the group gathered there, watching them fearfully.

"Who are you, un?"

"I could ask the same thing", Lugen retorted, in his usual snappy tone.

Sam rolled her face to the side, frowning.

"That hurt. My nose feels like i- Hey, my carpet's really soft!"

Tanner stared at her. "Some guys broke into your house, pushed you down the stairs, and you notice the carpet?"

"Some guys broke into my house?"

The silver-haired man stared at her. "Did she fucking hit her head or something?"

"No, she's always like this", Tanner replied, rubbing his head.

"I am not normally- Hey, who're you guys?"

Tanner smacked her. "OW!"

The silver-haired man and the blond watched them from the bottom of the stairs, looking confused. A man with piercings all over his face walked down the steps, and blinked when he saw the group. Tanner couldn't help but think he looked familiar…..

"Who are you?" he demanded.

"How many people are going to ask that?" Lugen snapped.

The man frowned, then seemed to notice the knife. "Who had the knife?"

Sam, still on the floor, raised her hand. They all seemed to realize she was still on the floor, and Faith and Tanner helped her up. She staggered for a brief moment, and said, "Woah, head rush."

The silver-haired man snorted. "Don't you have to have a brain?"

"I'll have you know I am one of the smartest people in my grade. Now where're my cookies, I need one."

"They're in the cupboard, where you put them."

"Back in a sec!"

She bolted from the room, leaving them to stare after her.

"What the fuck?"

"We find life's easier if we don't ask."

She came back, chewing on a cookie. "I'm back!"

"So we've noticed", the pierced man said.

"So, who are you?"

"Answer our question first."

"What was your question?"

"Actually, I think it would be best if you answered a different one: Where are we?"

"You are here!"

Tanner sighed. "What are you, a road sign?"

"No, I'm one of those maps in the mall that says 'You are here'. Geez, isn't it obvious?"

"Just answer the fucking question!" the silver-haired man snapped.

"What question?"

"Argh!"

"Sam, they want to know where they are."

"Oh, you're in Westville, New York."

She received blank stares.

"You know, one of the many United States?"

Silence.

"On the continent of North America?"

Nothing.

"On the planet Earth?"

"What are you talking about?" the blond said.

"Where are you from?" Sam asked.

"We're all from different villages. I'm from Ame, Deidara's from Iwa, Hidan's from Yuga, Sasori's from Suna, Kakuzu's from-"

"Yeah, yeah, we get it. How'd you get here?"

"Something about these guys seems familiar…." Sam said, head tilted thoughtfully.

"I thought so", Raven said, finally speaking. Sam stared at them for a brief moment, then attempted to snap her fingers. Failing, she stopped what she was saying to continue trying to snap her fingers, glaring down at her uncooperative hand. Finally, she got a popping noise, and she smiled and looked up.

She then paused. "Dude, I forgot what I was going to say."

"What's new?" Lugen remarked.

"Oh, I remember! Guys, my house was broke into by cosplayers!"

"What the fuck are cosplayers?"

The silver-haired man was ignored as Raven excitedly said, "You're right! I didn't think there were any around here!"

"Are cosplayers a type of animal or something?"

Sam snorted. "They might as well be."

"Sam, you dressed up as Tobi for Halloween. You really can't complain."

Sam grinned. "Ah, the joys of sugar. How many teachers did I convince that I was a good boy?"

"At least three."

"Good times, good times."

"Why the fuck would you dress up as that idiot?"

"Don't call him an idiot, he's really the leader of the Aka-"

Her sentence was cut off by the pierced man grabbing her by the throat and slamming her against the wall. Angry, she bit him, and he swore and dropped her.

Sam eagerly lapped the blood from her chin, tongue reaching to get every last drop.

"I don't know why, but your blood tastes amazing!"

"Glad to know", he growled sarcastically.

"No problem!"

"Sam, he was being sarcastic."

"Oh."

"How did you get here?" Faith asked.

"All I remember is a lightning bolt hitting base, then waking up in your house."

"Cool, my house is a mystical portal that connects to the Narutoverse!"

"What the fuck is a Narutoverse?"

"Sam, I highly doubt that's possible."

"Do we have a better explanation?" she snorted.

Tanner had to pause and think about that. "No, actually, we do not. Damn."

"Why 'damn'?"

"Because when Sam is right about something, she is normally right."

She grinned maniacally.

"Do you guys know what that means?"

"Sam, don't say it."

"We have the Akatsuki over to stay the night!"

Tanner slapped his forehead.

"Oh, fuck."

**A/N: This is what happens when I have writer's block. These are me and my real friends, and Sam is me. Yes, I am that scatterbrained. There will be no plot unless I can come up with one later, and this is just for your entertainment. Enjoy! And sorry for not working on Rescue, I just REALLY have writer's block right now.**


	2. Breakfast, oh no!

"How do you know of us?" the pierced man demanded.

"How could we not? You guys are the top villains of our favorite anime, and you kick ass! Of course we know you! Well, except Faith. She doesn't watch the show."

"I do know a little about it."

"Only what we've told you."

"I still know something."

"Hmm, you're right."

The silver-haired man waved his hand in front of Sam's face. "Hello, we're having an important discussion here."

"About what?"

He growled and started banging his head against the wall. Sam looked on, confused. "What'd I do?"

"Nothing, Sam, nothing."

More people started walking down the stairs, and they all moved out of the way to make room for them. As soon as all ten were down, Sam started talking again.

"So, I suppose you'll need somewhere to stay tonight?"

"It would be highly appreciated", the pierced man said.

"At least we wouldn't have to pay for anything", the stitched man grumbled.

"Wow, you're even worse in person than in the show", Lugen remarked dryly.

"What did you say?" he demanded, taking out a knife.

"Hey, behave, or no one gets to sleep inside but me", Sam ordered, frowning.

The stitched man sneered. "And how do you propose to stop us?"

"Like this", she said calmly, before grabbing his arm and biting it.

"What was that?!"

"Damn, Kakuzu, she got you good!" the silver-haired man laughed.

"Sam, stop!" Tanner and Faith both grabbed her before she went to bite him again.

"He tastes so good", she moaned, pupils dilating beyond normal. Lugen ran into the kitchen, grabbing the package of cookies and throwing them at her.

"Eat these."

She squeaked and grabbed them, tearing open the package and sitting on the floor to munch the cookies.

"What was that about?!" the stitched man demanded.

"She's a cannibal. Cookies are the only way to stop her when she gets hungry. Well, that and chicken blood, but we don't have any on hand right now."

"What the fuck?" the silver-haired man asked, eyebrow raised.

Raven shook her head. "Don't ask. Never ask."

"Why, she can't explain?"

"No, she can. And you'll never be the same after hearing it."

Sam finally stood up, half the cookies in the package gone. She rubbed the back of her head sheepishly, and said, "Heh-heh, sorry about that. I kinda forgot what I was doing."

"So can we sleep here?"

"Yeah, just give me a sec to figure out where you guys are going to sleep."

She then started mumbling to herself, "Let's see, Faith and I can share a bed, I don't think she'll mind, two people can get top bunk, Tanner and Lugen can share, two people get top bunk there, Raven still has the couch, so that takes care of four of them, that leaves six. We could fit three in the master bedroom, and two upstairs in the spare room. That leaves one left…."

Faith spoke up. "Um, Sam? Actually, I'd prefer not sleeping with you."

"All right, then. Faith and Konan can share my bed, and I'll have the floor."

"How do you know my name? And why does she not want to sleep with you?"

"First answer, I told you, you're a criminal in my favorite anime. Second answer, I'm a sleep-snuggler. Ask Tanner, he'll tell you."

"I can't believe you gave me a bruise."

Faith frowned. "What happened?"

Sam waved her hand in the air. "It was before you guys were dating. I fell asleep on the way back from the Albany trip, and used him as a pillow."

"And you threatened me."

"You were the one who pushed me onto the floor."

"It was an accident!"

"I landed in spilled iced-tea, and I got stuck. I don't care."

"Why can't you just-"

"Back on topic, please?" Lugen interrupted.

Sam and Tanner paused, then snapped their mouths shut.

"Thank you", he said.

"So who's sleeping where?" the pierced man asked.

"Actually, the first order of business should be introducing ourselves. Except for Faith, we all know who you guys are, so we'll introduce ourselves first. I'm Sam", she said, mock-bowing and hitting her head on the wall. "Ouch!"

Tanner rolled his eyes. "Smooth, Sam. Anyways, I'm Tanner."

Faith gave a half-wave. "Faith."

Raven flipped her frizzy hair over her shoulder. "I'm Raven."

Lugen smirked. "I'm Rakenhoktha."

They stared at him. "Come again?"

"Just call him Lugen, that's what we do."

"Shall do. Where are we sleeping, now?"

"Konan and Faith are sharing my bed, and….let's see……. We'll put Hidan and Kakuzu on top bunk, Lugen and Tanner are sharing a bed, so we'll put….. Itachi and Kisame. Deidara and Sasori can have the bed upstairs, and Zetsu, Tobi, and Pein can have the master bedroom. That work?"

"I suppose."

"Good, because I'm too tired to think of anything else. Night!"

Sam turned around and walked into her room, grabbing the blanket off her bed and putting it on the floor as a make-shift mattress.

They stared at her.

"You know, that is the most focused I have seen her in a while", Tanner remarked.

"True", Lugen agreed.

They sorted out themselves, heading to their various assigned sleeping spots. Hidan stared at the bed he was supposed to share with Kakuzu.

"That bed is fucking small!"

"It's a twin size. That means it can hold two. So suck it up and go to sleep", came Sam's grouchy voice from her corner.

"Don't make her mad, she gets cranky when she's tired", Tanner said as he walked by.

"Fucking bitch", Hidan muttered as he crawled up the side of the bed. He flopped down, and Kakuzu almost landed on him as he tried laying down as well.

"Watch it, fatass!"

"Shove your ass over, then!"

"Shut up, both of you!" Sam yelled.

The pair shut up, attempting to arrange themselves. Faith and Konan had no trouble fitting, and the girls both fell swiftly asleep. Everyone grumbled a bit, but soon followed them.

The sun was shining cruelly through the window, directly into Sam's eyes. She yawned, stretching pleasurably. Maybe she should sleep on the floor more often, it was more comfortable than her bed.

She rose, stumbling lightly in her usual early morning bout of dizziness, and walked out the door, intending on starting breakfast. She knew everyone else would be a while in waking up yet. She tripped over the doorframe, almost falling on her face.

"Damn door…." She muttered, continuing into the living room. She turned the corner, and blinked in surprise. Sasori was already there, sipping tea.

"Morning", she yawned.

"Hmm", was his response.

As she walked by, she caught the familiar scent of peppermint. She froze.

"Where did you find the tea?" she hissed, slowly turning around.

"On the breakfast nook, why?"

"That's my tea."

"You can share."

"I don't share", she growled.

"Too bad, you're sharing now."

She glared flatly at him. "You have three seconds to give me back my tea."

"Why, what are you going to do to me?" Sasori asked sarcastically.

"This." She grinned evilly, and Sasori felt the urge to run while he could.

Everyone else slowly woke up to the smell of bacon and eggs, and Hidan was the first to stumble into the kitchen.

He peered over her shoulder, and asked, "When's it gonna be fucking done?"

Sam yelled and swung the frying pan around, almost clubbing him in the face. Apparently, she either forgot it was in her hand, or she was intentionally attacking him. Either way, he ducked and dodged, feeling the wind go over his head.

"Damn, bitch! What the fuck was that for?"

"You scared me!"

"I was right there!"

"I don't have peripheral vision!"

Tanner walked in, followed by Faith, and blinked at the shouting duo. "Let me guess, you scared her?"

"I don't know how the fuck I scared her!"

"She's Sam, remember?"

Hidan just muttered, storming to the small table and sitting down. Sam, hyperventilating, slowly set the pan back down on the stove. "God damn idiot…"

"It's Jashin, you fucking bitch!"

"I don't care who it is, both of you shut up!" Kakuzu screamed, coming into the kitchen. This finally woke up Raven, who also walked into the kitchen.

"What's u-"

She was interrupted by Sam screaming and pointing at her.

"What is it?!"

"Y-yo-your-"

"Spit it out already!"

"Your hair looks so funny!" she burst out, doubling over with laughter. Raven stared at her, then walked over and grabbed the spatula and smacked her with it.

"Don't make fun of my hair!"

"OW!"

"You deserved it", Tanner said, snatching a piece of bacon from the plate. He split it in half and gave part to Faith, and they both watched Raven beat her with the kitchen utensil.

"Should we help her?"

"Nah."

Pein walked in as well, staring at them all. "What is wrong with you people?"

"We don't know!" Sam cracked, finally getting away from Raven by hiding behind Kakuzu.

"Get away from me, psycho bitch!"

"Aw, thanks!"

"How was that a compliment?!"

"Again, it's Sam."

They heard footsteps come down the stairs, and Deidara peered around the corner, bleary-eyed. "Hey, where's Danna?"

Sam got an evil look that immediately made them all suspicious. "He decided he wanted to go play with the dogs."

"Sam, where are the dogs?"

"Outside."

They looked slowly out the window, seeing two large rottweilers and a mixed breed dog chewing on something that looked suspiciously like body parts.

Deidara paled. "Danna?"

"Don't worry, I took his heart container out. It's in the fridge."

"He is so going to kill you when he gets back in a body."

"What do you think he tried to do this morning?"

"Sam, what did you do to start it?"

"Why do you automatically assume I started it?!"

"Sam."

She frowned, then looked at the floor, shuffling her feet. "He stole some of my tea, and then said to share", she muttered.

Lugen rolled his eyes. "Sam, you couldn't share just once?"

"No."

They all looked at her, and slowly edged away. "Kakuzu?"

"Yeah, Hidan?"

"I'm scared."

"And you should be!" Sam randomly blurted out, cackling insanely.

Tanner studied her for a few seconds, then a metaphorical lightbulb went off over his head. He walked over to a cabinet, taking out an orange pill bottle. "Sam, did you take your pills today?"

"….Maybe."

"That's a no. Hold her down!"

Sam tried to run, but was quickly pinned down by Pein and Kakuzu. Tanner shoved the pill into a cookie, shoving it into her mouth. She struggled for a few seconds, then started chewing the cookie. She swallowed, and she all of a sudden grew calm, face relaxing.

"Sam?"

She looked at him, then her head fell to the side, snoring. Lugen rolled his eyes. "Should've guessed."

"She'll be out for a few minutes. In the meantime, let's eat!"

They all surrounded the food, fighting over who got what.

Zetsu, watching from the doorway, said, "I used to think we were crazy.** We are crazy.** But not as crazy as her.** No one can be that crazy.**" Zetsu nodded to himself, then went in to fight for his own meal.


	3. Fear the morning chores, fear them!

Sam sat up suddenly, holding her head. "What happened?"

"You forgot your pills, so we forced them down your throat", Raven replied helpfully, munching bacon.

Sam groaned and stood up, shaking her head to clear it of dizziness. "I hate those pills. They make me feel like I'm underwater or something."

"Well, at least you're semi-normal now."

Sam shot her a dirty look, and scanned the kitchen, seeing everyone crowded in there eating. She got a plate for herself, filling it up with food. Wading through everyone, she said, "You guys do know you can eat in the living room, right?"

They blinked, and shot out of the kitchen, fighting over what limited seats there were. Sam sat down on one arms of the couch, near Itachi's elbow. Kisame sat on the floor next to her, putting his plate on the coffee table. Hidan and Kakuzu fought over the armchair, and Sam picked up the remote, bored.

She lazily scrolled through the channels, and finally chose sci-fi. It was shark week this week.

Jaws started playing, and they all paused whatever conversations they were having to look at the screen just as the shark chewed through the boat.

"Hey Kisame, isn't that your cousin, un?" Deidara pointed out, a cruel grin on his face.

"Fuck you, blondie", Kisame responded, and Sam frowned.

"Stop it you two, I have a headache and I don't have anymore painkillers."

Surprisingly, they shut up and continued watching the movie, Hidan staring at it intently. "How the fuck did they get the shark to do that? Is it a summoning or something?"

"It's CGI, Hidan", Lugen said.

"What the fuck is that?"

"Computer generated imaging. The shark is fake."

"Actually, in Jaws they built a robotic shark to play the movie. In a few minutes you can see the scene where the joints are shown in the mouth." Sam pointed at the TV screen in emphasis, and they all watched. Sure enough, when the shark's mouth was open, you could see the mechanical stuff inside.

"That looks expensive", Kakuzu muttered, studying the shark.

"Then, it was. This is an old movie. Now, they say 'screw it' with machines and make the creatures with computers."

"Lazy asses."

"It's faster, and looks better. Just wait until one of the newer movies comes on."

Sam suddenly paused in her eating, blinking in thought. "Guys, how long was I out?"

"About fifteen minutes, why?"

"Shit! The dogs were supposed to be fed!"

She shoved her plate to Itachi, who held it in surprise, and bolted out the door. Through the living room window, they could see her unclipping the dogs from their tie-outs and bringing them in.

As soon as the dogs entered the house, they ran right to the baby gate by the door, whining. She opened it, and they rushed in. the food dishes were grabbed, and soon all three dogs were fed. The mixed breed was outside the pen, and alternated between eating slowly and peering through the doorway at everyone gathered in the living room.

Sam walked back into the living room, taking her plate back from Itachi and plopping back down on the arm of the couch. "All done!"

"All that over the dogs?"

"I love my puppies."

Hidan choked. "Those are fucking puppies?! Jashin damn it, those things are huge!"

"I was being sarcastic. They're all about four years old."

"Oh."

They all rolled their eyes and went back to watching the TV, seeing the shark get blown to bloody bits.

"They went through a lot of effort to kill the shark. Why didn't they just somebody as bait and fish for it?"

"It's one of the things I've never understood."

"Sam, you would throw one of us out there."

"At least you'd be dying for a good cause."

Raven, sitting on the opposite side of Itachi, edged slowly away, squishing Deidara.

"Hey!"

"The pills are starting to fade, and I am NOT staying near her."

Itachi eyed her, as she happily nibbled on her bacon. "Why is your bacon still bleeding?"

"Cause I gave you the cooked stuff, and left the good stuff for myself."

All of a sudden she was alone on the couch. She blinked. "What'd I say?"

"Sam, you wouldn't understand", Faith replied, shaking her head. Sam just shrugged and kept eating, dipping the bloody meat into the runny egg yolks.

Jaws ended, and soon they were fighting over the remote.

"Mine!"

"Sam, it's too early to watch horror, give it!"

"I'm with the fucking crazy ass bitch, let's watch some scary shit!"

"Hidan, it's too early for blood and gore!"

"Says you!"

"Can't we watch the news or something, un?"

"Psah, the news is fucking boring! Bring on the blood!"

"Hidan, no!"

Sam calmly watched the fighting, munching the last of the bacon and licking blood flecks off her lips. Tanner looked over at her, and said, "Aren't you going to do something?!"

"Why? They're more entertaining than the TV."

"Good point."

Itachi also watched them calmly, head tilted. "Why are you fighting over the remote?"

"Because I want to fucking watch some horror!"

"No, Hidan!"

Sam looked at the clock, and sighed. "Damn it, I have to go do chores. Who's helping?"

They all stopped their arguing and looked at her. "Help with what?"

"I need to feed the calves, feed and water the chickens, feed and water the pigs, check the incubators, and make sure my grandmother's house is- Holy shit, why didn't I think of that earlier?!"

"Think of what?" Lugen asked.

"They can sleep in my grandma's house! There are six beds over there, and two couches, and there are still the two empty beds over here. We can fit everyone now!"

Tanner glared. "Why didn't you think of that BEFORE I had to share a bed with Lugen?"

"Wasn't thinking."

"Obviously."

"So who's helping me do chores? Seriously, I need help bottle-feeding the calves."

No one volunteered.

"You can consider it paying rent."

Itachi glared. "You were planning on having us stay, weren't you?"

She grinned. "I told ya' I was smarter than what I appear to be."

"I don't get it, un."

"She let us stay so she could guilt-trip us into helping her with chores."

"So, who's helping?"

"I guess we'll help. **What?! Are you nuts?! Hello, the animals will eat us! **The calves are being BOTTLE fed, they won't eat us. **Oh.**"

"All right, so we have Zetsu volunteering, anyone else? No one? Well, I guess I'll pick and choose. Let's see, Hidan, Kakuzu, Tobi, Deidara, and Sasori. That should be enough. Now you just need to wait until I finish mixing the bottles."

She left the room, and Kisame sighed. "At least she forgot about us, eh, Itachi-san?"

"Hn."

"Why am I stuck feeding some fucking calves? I don't even know how to fucking feed them!"

Tanner grinned. "Well, we got out of it. If you guys wouldn't have come, we'd be stuck helping her."

"Fuck you, geek."

Lugen frowned. "I'm the geek. Tanner's the dork."

"Hey!"

"Does that make me the nerd?" they heard Sam's voice come from the kitchen.

"No, you're just the crazy cannibal scientist."

"Sweet! I use alliteration!"

"Is she ever normal?"

"I think she was, once", Tanner said.

"When was that?" Faith asked.

"I've known her since second grade. She was normal back then."

"Hmm."

"I know, strange, right?"

Sam came back in then, holding two red buckets filled with bottles. "Come on guys, let's go. To feed the calves!"

The chosen six grumbled and rose, following her out the door. Tanner watched them. "Should we follow them, just to see what happens?"

Raven all of a sudden burst out laughing. "Oh my god, you just reminded me of the skit. 'I'm going to jump into this lake full of crocodiles, just to see what happens!' "

Lugen grinned. "Nice, but I like the, 'I going to stick my head in this beehive and take a look around. Oh, gorgeous! Absolutely gorgeous!' one better."

"You want to know the one I really like? The church skit, that was funny."

"What are you guys talking about?" Kisame asked.

"Dane Cook. He's a comedian."

"Oh."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~meanwhile, with the chore people~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"How the fuck are we supposed to feed them?"

They were staring at the pen, and at the six calves crowded against the gate trying to reach the bottles.

"Easy. You walk in there, grab a calf, and stick the nipple in its mouth."

"You do what?!" Hidan asked, disgusted and holding a hand to his chest.

Sasori frowned. "In case you haven't noticed, none of us are lactating."

Sam rolled her eyes. "Grow up, perverts. The little thing on top of the bottle is called a nipple. See? You stick that in its mouth, they suck on it, and milk comes out. Did you understand it that time?"

"Oh."

"And you call me an idiot. Let's see, Sasori can get Flare, Deidara gets Blacky, Tobi gets Numskull, Zetsu gets Big Boy, and Hidan gets Chompy. I got dibs on Pi, and Kakuzu can fill up the water bucket."

They stared at her. "What?"

"Sasori gets the one with the flare on its forehead, Deidara gets the one with the second most black on it, Tobi gets the dalmation spotted, Zetsu gets the biggest one, and Hidan gets the one with the most black on it. The one with the pied face is mine."

"Again, what?"

She rolled her eyes. "Just walk in there and I'll point you to your calf."

She pushed the gate open, shoving the calves aside, and started pointing out random calves. "Sasori, that one, Deidara, here, Tobi, this one, Hidan, this one bites, Zetsu, the one in the corner, and this one's mine."

She grabbed the one with two black dots over its face and shoved the bottle into its mouth, and it eagerly began sucking. They followed her example and grabbed their designated calves, shoving the nipples into their mouths and holding the bottle up.

After a few moments of silence, Kakuzu filling up a bucket to dump it over the side into the trough, Deidara said, "You know what, un? This is actually kind of fun."

"Just wait", Sam said knowingly.

Chompy was the first of the calves to finish, and began nosing at Hidan, dragging its slimy tongue up his stomach.

"Back off, fucker! I don't have anymore, the bottle's empty!"

It ignored him, and kept licking him, sucking on his hips while Hidan tried leaving. Then, apparently finding nothing coming out, he opened his mouth wide and bit his side.

"Ouch, you mother fucking-!"

"Hidan, just get out, before Chompy decides he wants to jump up on you with his three-hundred pound body."

Hidan leaped out of the gate, slamming it in the calf's face. The next one to finish was Blacky, and it started sucking on Deidara's finger. "Hey, un, this feels weird!" he laughed, scratching its forehead.

"Deidara, ge-"

"Ow, un! It bit me!"

"Okay, since you people seem to have never seen calves before, here's a rule to follow: As soon as your calf is done eating, get out before it starts looking for more."

Zetsu slipped out of the pen as soon as she finished saying that. "**What do you want us to do with the bottle?**"

"Just put it back in the bucket, and we'll carry them back over when we're done."

Kakuzu watched the entire thing with an amused smirk on his face, barely holding back a laugh as Hidan attempted to wipe the calf-slime off him.

"This is not fucking funny!"

"Hidan, it's hilarious."

"Fuck you!"

The other calves finished soon after that, and they went to do the rest of the chores, which consisted of:

Hidan getting chased by an eight-hundred pound sow when he tried to steal her piglet.

Kakuzu getting attacked by the resident rooster, and earning a nice long gash down his leg from the spurs.

Deidara getting chased by an angry hen when he tried to get the egg out from under her.

Tobi electrocuting himself on the electric fence.

The horses mistaking Zetsu as fodder.

And Sam laughing so hard she turned purple.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~back at the house……~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"I wonder what's taking them so long?" Kisame said as he looked out the window for them.

The door suddenly slammed open, and everyone walked in, Kakuzu limping, Hidan cursing every farm animal in existence, Zetsu grumbling about "rabid horses", Deidara cradling a pecked hand, Tobi twitching every few seconds, and Sam laughing at the misfortunates.

"I can't believe you guys are criminals when you can't even feed a few animals!"

"SHUT THE FUCK UP, BITCH!"

Sam ignored Hidan and kept laughing, leaning against the wall for support.

Everyone else blinked. "What happened?"

"Never again, un!"

"For once, I agree with the brat."

"Where do you keep the bandages?" Kakuzu asked.

"**Evil horses of Satan.** I can't believe they thought we were food!"

"The fence was not a good boy!"

They looked at Sam.

"Do I want to even know?" Itachi asked.

"Probably not."

The chore people filed past, heading to whatever places they had slept in so they could mope. Sam just chuckled and picked up the buckets full of bottles, heading for the kitchen.

"Sam, where are you going?"

"I need to wash out the bottles."

As she rinsed the bottles out, the lucky ones that didn't have to assist shrugged and turned back to the TV.


	4. Sadness

The world was peaceful. The fifteen humans sat in the living room, occasionally arguing over the movies, but generally quiet.

That is, until Sam decided she wanted a snack.

Without warning she rose, growling, "If anyone touches my seat, they'll be lunch."

Too caught up in the movie, everyone ignored her. Satisfied her seat was safe, she ventured into the kitchen in search of nourishment. Through the doorway, one could hear the sounds of cupboard doors opening and closing, getting louder as time went on.

They all seemed to notice this at the same time, and Tanner called out, "Sam, is something wrong?"

Sam suddenly appeared at the doorway, growling, "Where. Are. My. _Cookies._"

Everyone froze.

"S-sam, I'm pretty sure no one touched your c-cookies. Please stop glaring at us, you're scaring me", Tanner stuttered, waving his hands in the air.

"**Someone touched my cookies. Where are they!**"

Itachi, frowning slightly, said, "I put them away."

Sam's murderous gaze snapped to him. "You touched my cookies? Where are they!"

"They're in the cookie jar."

She immediately leaped across the kitchen, grabbing the porcelain jar off the counter. "What kind of idiot puts cookies in a cookie jar?! No wonder I couldn't find them!"

She opened the jar, and froze as she looked in. "Who ate some?"

Itachi glared at her. "I did, what about it?" he said, ignoring the desperate warning signs Lugen and Raven were attempting to send him.

Sam's eyes narrowed, and she grinned evilly. "You are going to pay."

The weasel scoffed. "And just what do you think you can do to me?"

Her grin stretched wider, and the audience prepared themselves to leap away at a moment's notice.

"You shouldn't have said that."

She quickly pulled a pocket knife out of her pocket, flicking her wrist to snap the blade open in the same motion she used to leap at the Sharingan-weilder. Itachi merely sighed and dodged, and Sam's knife buried itself in the couch. He activated his Mangekyo Sharingan, and prepared to use it on her. Her eyes met with his, and the world faded away.

Itachi frowned at the girl before him, nudging her with his foot. She glared up at him, the red sky illuminating Itachi.

"Welcome to the sharingan."

Sam smiled. "Oh, I will have fun,_ I can guarantee it_."

She stood up. Itachi took out a sword to prepare for her attack. She approached him, still smiling. She reached out her arm, and-

Poked him. Yes, the criminal who killed his entire clan in one night just got _poked._

He stared down at her incredulously. "Is that it?"

Still having that creepy smile on his face, she said, "Oh no, that's just the beginning."

The people in the normal world stared as Itachi all of a sudden started twitching.

"What the fuck is wrong with him?"

Tanner cringed. "She's probably using her most feared technique."

Pein frowned, thinking she might know something that might be of use to him. "And what might that be?"

Raven whimpered. "Poke no jutsu."

They stared at the four who lived in this realm.

"Poke no jutsu? How fucking scary can that be?"

"You have no idea."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~in the sharingan realm~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Itachi was in the fetal position on the ground, whimpering and twitching.

"Don't worry, Itachi-san, only forty-eight hours and thirty-nine seconds to go."

She poked him again. And again. And again. And again.

Itachi moaned and tried covering his head, but that left his sides unprotected. He yelped as a jab was felt in the tender muscle, and quickly blocked his sides again.

"Only forty-eight hours and thirty-eight seconds to go, Itachi-san."

All of a sudden, Itachi broke the jutsu, whimpering and twitching madly. Sam was sitting there with the same creepy grin on her face, and everyone took a step back.

"Do you still doubt the power of Poke no jutsu?" Lugen whispered.

Everyone stared at Itachi.

"Not anymore."

Sam yawned and grabbed the remote, propping her feet up on the coffee table. Surprised at this sudden mood swing, Faith asked, "Aren't you still mad?"

Sam waved her hand dismissaly in the air. "He already paid."

Everyone shook their heads. "She is the most fucked up bitch I have ever seen."

"You're just realizing that now, Hidan?"

They sat watching the TV some more, Sam chewing on her cookies when all of a sudden…

"Lunch time!" Sam shouted, making everyone jump.

"What the hell?! You scared us!"

"Are you guys okay with macaroni salad and mini corndogs for lunch?"

"What are 'mini corndogs'? Are they a type of animal?"

"**I bet they found out a way to fuse corn and dogs, thus creating this 'corndog'.** You're an idiot, you know that, right? **Shut up! Do you have a better explanation?** No. But yours is still retarded."

"Guys, corndogs are….. actually, I'm not quite sure what corndogs are. Hotdogs wrapped in something. Is it cornbread?"

"Not sure."

"Ah, oh well. We're having them for lunch, is that okay with you guys?"

"Sure."

With that, Sam walked into the kitchen to prepare these 'corndogs'. Curious, Deidara followed her into the kitchen, hoping to get some sort of clue to what they were. Sam preheated the oven, and got out a large pot and filled it with water, setting it to boil. When it was boiling, she poured three boxes of macaroni in, telling Deidara that, "If you're going to be in here, you're helping. Stir the macaroni, and don't let your hands drool into the pot."

A beeping noise alerted Sam that the oven was ready, and she took a plastic bag out of the freezer. She paused, then went to the living room doorway.

She counted the number in there, frowned down at the bag in her hands, then said, "I'd better use two…."

She went back into the kitchen, and got out two baking sheets and spread the corndogs on them.

Deidara looked at them closely, then said, "These are corndogs, un? They don't look like corn, or dogs."

"They're not supposed to. Now move, I need to put them in the oven."

She shoved him out of the way, carefully placing the sheets on the racks so she didn't burn herself. Deidara watched her set the timer, looking at the bag for guidance.

"Fifteen minutes, un? That's all it takes?"

"Yep."

She then strained the fully coked macaroni, getting out a very large mixing bowl and…..

~to save time, I'm going to stop writing things that are uninteresting. Let's skip to the corndogs!~

Sam put on oven mitts, opening the oven door and taking out the baking sheets. She set them on the stove, and took the mitts off. She set them down, and turned back to the rest of her cooking.

All of a sudden, the people in the living room heard, "GOD DAMN MOTHER FUCKING SON OF A FUCKING BITCH!"

They all stared at the doorway to the kitchen, and Hidan got up.

"Hidan, where are you going?"

"I have a reputation of a foul-mouthed idiot to keep."

"Don't you people care what happened to her?" Raven shouted.

"No."

She growled and walked past them, entering the kitchen and seeing Sam whimpering as she held her hand under the faucet, a shocked Deidara watching her.

"What happened?"

"I burnt myself."

Itachi walked in. "You burnt yourself? You survived the sharingan without a whimper, and you had a spaz attack because you _burnt yourself_?"

"I can take a lot. I've sliced my hand open butchering chickens, dropped a knife on my foot, walked into a wall- don't ask if you know what's good for you- fell out of a tree, but I can not stand burns."

Hidan chose that moment to walk in. "You fucking bitch, you stole my reputation as the foul-mouthed idiot!"

"You can have it back."

"It's not that fucking easy! Now I have to fucking out-swear you!"

"I can guarantee I don't swear as much as you do. You win", Sam said, trying to keep the peace.

"Fucking bitch…."

Finally declaring her hand cold, she took her hand out from under the flow of water, hissing as the warm air touched it. "Damn it, it hurts…."

"Suck it up. It's only burn."

"Shut up, Hidan."

She glared at the corndogs, then got out plates. Making them, she told the people in the kitchen to hand them out. When everyone else was finally served, she made her own plate, walking into the living room.

"I am NEVER making corndogs again."

Grumbling to herself, she dipped her corndog into her pile of ketchup, taking an angry bite out of it. The Akatsuki looked down at the gold colored blobs, then Kisame hesitantly picked one up and bit into it.

He blinked. "It's actually really good!"

Having the encouragement they needed, the rest dug into their food, making noises of astonishment.

Pleased, they all sat and watched one of the movies they had bought at Wal-mart. Something about giant bugs attacking a town….

A few hours later, dishes in the dishwasher and the machine going (amazing the Akatsuki), Sam started frowning.

"What is it?"

"I'm going to go check the barn and make sure everything's all right."

"Is something wrong?"

"I don't know, but I have the feeling something is up."

She walked out the door, and everyone waited, Lugen started looking for a new movie to watch. A few minutes later, Sam came back in, looking worried.

"What's up?"

"Numskull's down. I'm going to give him some antibiotics, and see if he's back on his feet by night."

"What kind of antibiotics do you use?" Kakuzu asked, medical training invoking his curiosity.

"Tylan."

"Never heard of it."

"And why am I not surprised?"

"Good point."

She filled a syringe and walked back out the door, coming back after a few minutes and throwing the used needle into the trash.

"Sam, do we have any more movies? This one just ended."

"Didn't we buy a whole bunch of them?"

"I don't want to watch horror any more, I want to watch a comedy."

Sam whipped around the corner, a horrified look on her face. "You don't want to watch horror? What is wrong with you?! Horror is the matter that feeds my soul! How can you be tired of it?!"

They stared at her.

"How the hell does horror feed your soul? You're always happy."

"It feeds it, that's all you need to know. It fulfills my bloodlust, and keeps me from trying to eat you guys."

Tanner looked down at the remote in his hands. "We're watching horror. I don't want to get eaten by a rabid Sam."

"Smart boy", Sam nodded, going to sit down on the couch arm, missing, and landing in Itachi's lap.

Everyone in the room froze, including the two. The digital numbers on the clock changed, a fly buzzed around, and the TV continued onward. But for the ones in the living room, time had stood still. Finally, Sam moved.

She slowly rose, using his shoulder as a support, and backed away, one step at a time, keeping a watchful eye on Itachi, who still hadn't moved, hadn't even _blinked_.

"Itachi-sama", Sam said cautiously, keeping her head low, "I am very sorry for sitting on you. I did not mean to, it was an accident. Please forgive me."

"Itachi-_sama_?" Deidara whispered to Raven.

"Survival tip number fifteen. When in doubt, suck up", Raven whispered back.

Deidara blinked. "What are the other fourteen?"

"We still haven't come up with them yet. Sam just likes the number fifteen, so we started with that one."

Itachi, meanwhile, had finally blinked, slowly closing his eyes and even more slowly reopening them.

"I am not mad at you. However, if it happens again, I will not hesitate to maim you beyond recognition. Is that understood?"

"Yes, Itachi-sama."

He slowly turned his gaze back to the TV, and Sam slowly went back to her seat next to him, still tense. However, he did nothing, and Sam allowed herself to relax. Big mistake.

As soon as her head was turned aside, Itachi took advantage of her lack of peripheral vision. He quickly reached out his hand, extended his forefinger, and poked the side of her head. Sam, not the most coordinated, wind milled her arms, struggling to keep her balance on the couch. Failing, she fell head-first onto Kisame, who was sitting on the other side of the couch.

They both groaned, and Kisame fell backwards, leaning against the wall.

"You. Are._ Heavy_."

"Shut up. What the hell do you have on your leg anyways, rocks?"

"That's my kunai pouch. Your head collided with it."

"It hurt!"

"I don't care, now get OFF me!"

He pushed her off, sending her sprawling on the floor. Itachi had a satisfied smirk on his face, and said, "We are now even."

She glared up at him, but said nothing as she rose and sat back on the couch, glaring at him. Raven nudged him.

"You shouldn't have done that. She WILL find a way to get revenge."

"What will she do to me? I'm not afraid of her."

Raven just shook her head, turning her head back to the TV. "Don't say I didn't warn you."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~hours later….~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sam had gotten the people who hadn't helped that morning to assist with the chores, and was leading them out, bucket full of calf bottles in her hand. However, when they approached the barn, a pathetic moaning could be heard from inside.

Sam closed her eyes. "Shit, that's Numskull. I'm going to have to put him down. Kisame, take the bottles, I'm going to go get the rifle."

Kisame held the bucket, a confused look on his face as he watched Sam walk away. "What's a rifle?"

"A type of weapon. You'll see."

Sam came back out, holding the weapon in her hands, end pointed at the ground.

"How is that a weapon?"

"Again, you'll see."

Sam finally spoke, looking sad. "Do you guys want to watch, or are you going back to the house?"

Faith and Raven left, leaving the rest there. Sam sighed and walked into the barn, setting down the gun and grabbing the sick calf, picking him up with a grunt and carrying him outside.

She set him down gently, pet him for a second, then grabbed the rifle, fishing two shells out of her pocket and loading the weapon. Clicking the safety off, she crouched about three feet away from the calf, pointing the end at its skull. Tanner and Lugen moved behind her, and everyone else followed their example.

Sam squeezed the trigger, and a deafening CRACK came out of the rifle. Numskull spasmed for a few seconds, then finally lay still, the small hole in his skull leaking a gray material.

"So that's a rifle…." Kisame muttered, eyeing the strange weapon in Sam's hands.

She sighed and unloaded the weapon, checking the chamber twice before flicking the safety back on and leaning it back against the barn wall. "Come on, let's feed the calves. I'll bury him later."

They stared closely at her, but she seemed to be hardly affected by the loss of the calf. However, they said nothing, and walked into the barn, leaving one bottle alone.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~later that night….~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"So, who's staying at my grandparents house?" Sam questioned, looking at the group assembled. They looked around, and Sam sighed.

"Better question: Who's staying with me?"

Hidan raised his hand, and they stared at him.

"Why the hell would you want to stay with her?"

"Think about it. She cooks breakfast."

The rest paused, blinked their eyes in thought, then some of them raised their hands as well.

"You guys won't all fit. I'll pick Sasori."

"Why him, un?!"

"He's quiet. Now, here are the rules for my nana's house. No setting the place on fire. No bleeding. Don't touch anything. Don't break anything. If you must move something, put it back where you found it. Don't make a mess. And finally, if you need something, just call me at my house."

"Call you?" they all questioned. Sam sighed.

"Let me teach you how to use a phone."

She reached out, dialed, and spoke into the strange-looking device. "This is just Sam, ignore this, I'm teaching them how to use a pho- Tanner! Didn't I say ignore this! I don't care what Lugen told you to do, since when do you listen to him?! Okay, okay, I get it. Geez. Just get something out of the fridge if you're hungry, I'm over here. My cookies are still off-limits, you should know that! Fine, I'll be over in a bit."

She hung up the phone, muttering, and the Akatsuki blinked at the strange, one-sided conversation.

"What the hell were you talking to?" Pein demanded.

"I was talking to Tanner. He was on the other side of the line."

"You can communicate using this?"

"That was kind of the point of me showing you how to use it. Now I'm going back over, Tanner wants me to heat up a pizza. Hidan, Sasori, come on. And remember, DON'T BURN THE HOUSE DOWN!"

She was about to open the door, but Konan stopped her. "How are we supposed to contact you if we do not know your code?"

Sam blinked. "Code?"

"You put a code into that phone device. I do not know yours."

"Oh, I forgot! It's on the fridge, under Jude. Just dial that, and you'll get me."

"That is all?"

"It'll ring a few times, but I'll answer as soon as I can. I'm going now. Come on, guys!"

She led the way out of the house and down the road, Hidan and Sasori following as the sun set. Pein turned to Deidara.

"I know you have it. Hand it over."

"What, un?"

"Your explosive clay. I don't trust you with it."

Deidara grumbled, but fished the pouch out of his pocket and handed it to the leader.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~later that night (again)…….~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hidan woke as he heard sobbing, growling quietly. He covered his head with his pillow, but when that failed to block the muffled sobs, he silently rose, heading into the bathroom, the source of the noise. He flicked the light on, and blinked in surprise.

Sam was curled up in the corner, face buried in her knees, crying. She looked up when the light turned on, and buried her face again when she saw Hidan.

"What do you want?" she asked, voice quivering.

"Why are you crying?" he asked, for once without swearing.

"I didn't want to kill him…." She whimpered, drawing herself up tighter. Hidan knew without asking that she was talking about the calf.

He sighed, then walked over and slid to the ground next to her. "It affected you more than you let us think, didn't it?"

"Just because I butcher chickens for my dad doesn't mean killing something doesn't affect me."

"I didn't say it did."

They sat in near silence for a few minutes, the only sounds being her crying.

"Hey, don't worry about it. I heard him, and he would have been a lot worse off if you hadn't put him out of his misery. Besides, that rifle-thing killed him quickly, didn't it?" he said, trying to comfort her.

She nodded, face still buried.

"So you pretty much helped him, right? He would have been in a lot more pain, and died slower than what the rifle killed it. You helped him." Hidan cringed, knowing he was doing a horrible job at comforting her, but he really had no practice in this sort of thing.

She was silent for a while longer, and Hidan sighed and rose. As he did, he heard, "Hidan?"

He paused. "Yeah?"

"Thank you. I'll be fine, I'm just going to stay here for a little while longer. Go back to sleep, okay?"

"Uh…. Yeah, sure. No problem."

He walked back into his room, turning off the bathroom light as he left it. He went back to bed, and fell fast asleep.


	5. Hot days and WalMart

Hidan rose with the sun, stretching his arm out and reveling in the feel of the soft bed.

"Kakuzu needs to get us some beds like this, seriously….", he mumbled, before yawning and opening his eyes. He was in Sam's parents' room, and the sparse decorations showed that not much time was spent in here. However, these observations were lost on Hidan, as he just wanted something to eat, dammit.

He rose out of the bed, yawning, and headed into the kitchen, where the faint sounds of cooking were coming from.

He saw Sam at the stove, dipping bread into some weird mixture and throwing it into the frying pan.

"What are you making?"

Sam jumped, but replied, "French toast", in a tired tone.

"What the fuck is that?"

"You'll see."

Hidan stared at her. "What's up with you?"

"Didn't sleep last night."

"I thought you said you were fine."

"I was, I just couldn't sleep."

Raven walked into the room then, sniffing deeply. "Are you making French Toast?"

"Yes. Do me a favor and wake up everyone else, will you?"

Raven nodded and exited the room, leaving Hidan and Sam. He looked at her oddly.

"What the fuck is wrong with you? You seem…..normal."

"I'm just tired, I'll be back to my normal self when I get some sleep."

The front door opened then, startling Sam, and the remainder of the Akatsuki walked in, looking shaken. Sam blinked. "What happened?"

"Something big ran by us. It was huge and noisy, and had glowing eyes and was fast," Kisame said, shaking his head.

Sam looked at them oddly, then suddenly grinned. "Oh, you guys had a dump truck pass you. They drive by here a lot."

"Drive?"

"You'll see later."

Pein shook his head. "You're lucky I confiscated Deidara's clay last night, otherwise he would have blown it up. It's bad enough Kakuzu melted the back two feet with one of his masks."

Kakuzu coughed. "I thought it was a threat."

"You guys attacked it?!" Sam shouted, eyes wide. "Great, how am I going to explain that to the police?!"

"What are police?" Konan asked.

"Like ANBU, but they have no ninja-skills."

The rest of the house occupants in the house stumbled into the kitchen, sniffing the air. Tanner peered into the frying pan, grinning. "Sweet, French Toast!"

Deidara blinked. "What's French Toast, un?"

"For the second time this morning, you'll see. Now sit down somewhere so I can finish cooking."

They all dispersed, chatting idly in the living room. Sam cooked two loafs of bread, piling it onto three plates, then pulled out more plates and syrup from the fridge. "All right everyone, come and get it!"

Everyone lined up in the kitchen, and the Akatsuki hesitantly took the plates of the strange food. They observed the others putting syrup on them, and copied the actions themselves, cutting the bread with a fork and putting the bites in their mouths.

They blinked.

"Hey, this is good! What's it made of?"

"Bread dipped in a batter of egg, water, and cinnamon. You fry it, and put syrup on it when it's done."

"Clever."

"My nana taught me how to make it."

"Who's this 'nana' person?"

"She's my grandmother. I call her nana."

"What do you call your grandfather, 'papa'?" Hidan snorted.

Sam looked down. "Yes."

They teased her a bit, then started watching the TV again, commenting on the fake looking werewolves.

"Seriously, you can tell that isn't real, un."

"A really good werewolf movie with decent special effects is Dog Soldiers. I have it here somewhere…."

Sam got up and started scanning her movies, muttering the titles to herself as she read them. Finally, she took out a case and yelled, "Aha!"

"Found it?"

"No, but I found the zombie movie I thought I lost three months ago."

"Brilliant."

As Sam looked through her movies, the sun climbed higher in the sky, and the temperature rose to an uncomfortable level. Tanner asked if she had anything to drink, and she pointed in the general direction of the fridge while popping the discovered movie into the DVD player.

When they came back, iced tea in hand, they paused at the sight of Sam sitting on the couch, poking her stomach.

"Sam, what are you doing?" Raven asked.

"Poking my belly."

"Why?"

"Cause it jiggles."

Deidara and Raven burst into laughter, leaning on the walls for support. Raven wiped a tear from her eye.

"Sam, you are one of the skinniest people I know, how does your belly jiggle?"

"It does, look!" Sam poked her belly again, making it vibrate slightly. Everyone else at least chuckled, sitting back down again while Faith stole the remote from the entertained Sam, hitting play.

The movie started, and Tobi jumped at the scene where the half-eaten cow is tossed into the campfire, making Sam laugh and fall on the floor again. Kisame had dodged, and started laughing, unfortunately not paying attention to where he was backing up and tripping over Kakuzu's outstretched foot, falling to the floor as well.

Everyone laughed at that, even Sam. They picked themselves up and watched the movie again, and when it finished, it was really hot.

"Sam", Tanner panted, "Do you have air-conditioning?"

"Unfortunately, no. But, I do have an alternative."

"What is it?" Lugen asked, guzzling his fourth cup of iced tea.

"If you guys are willing to all crowd into the Durango, I can bring you to my nana's camp. It's on a lake."

"What are we waiting for?" Lugen demanded.

"Well, we'd have to stop at Wal-mart or something to get these guys swimsuits and some extra clothes", Sam said, jerking her thumb at the Akatsuki. "Then we'd probably have to stop for lunch somewhere."

"What's 'Wal-mart'?" Pein asked.

"Big store, cheap prices. Good place to find stuff."

"I'm in, un. I hate hot weather", Deidara said, wiping sweat from his brow.

"Didn't you come from the Hidden Rock Village?" Raven asked.

"Why do you think I left? Well, that and blowing it up was too much to resist."

"Yeah, that sounds like you."

"Are you guys in?" Sam asked, bringing them back on topic.

"Yeah. One question, though. What's a Durango?"

"You saw the blue thing in the drive-way, right? We'll drive there using that."

"How? I didn't see anywhere horses were tied to it."

"It uses an engine. And before you ask, I'll show you later."

With popular consent, they all agreed to go, and the ones who had stuff to bring tied it on top, knowing all space would be needed inside. Meanwhile, Sam planned out seating.

"Let's see, how to fit fifteen people into one SUV…. Zetsu, you can follow us using your Mayfly technique, right?"

"How do you know about it?"

"I'll have you guys watch the anime later. But can you?"

"I suppose I could."

"Perfect. We can fit maybe four people in a row…. All right, I got it. We'll have Kakuzu, Hidan, Lugen, and Deidara in the second row seats, Pein, Konan, Kisame and Raven in the third row, Itachi, Tobi, and Sasori in the trunk space since they're small, Faith can sit on Tanner's lap up front, and I'll be in the driver's seat. We'll all fit!"

"That is going to be crowded."

"It could be worse."

"How?"

"I could be taking all seven of my dogs with us."

"No!"

"Didn't think so."

"Seven? I only saw three dogs."

"I have four more at my mom's house, along with an evil black cat that likes biting toes, a three-foot ball python who loves playing in my hair, and nine horses."

"How do you fit in your house?"

"The horses are outside, duh. And I sleep with the dogs. They're so warm at night!"

The Akatsuki stared at her.

"What is wrong with you?"

"They haven't figured it out yet. Now come on, everyone squeeze in!"

They all somehow managed to cram into the vehicle, and Zetsu melted into the ground, preparing for them to leave. Sam looked back in her mirror. "Guys ready to leave?"

"Why do you get a fucking seat to yourself?!" Hidan demanded, trying to keep from sitting on Lugen, squished against the window.

"Because I need my legs to reach the pedals, and I'm short. Don't worry, you'll be getting out in ten minutes for a break anyways."

"How does this thing move?" Kakuzu asked, looking doubtfully out the other window.

"I'll have you look up the internal combustion engine when we get back to where my laptop has internet access, all right?"

"What's inter-"

"And we're off!" Sam interrupted, moving the lever down next to the steering wheel. She pressed on the gas, and the vehicle lurched suddenly forward, making the occupants yelp as they almost drove through the garage.

Sam rubbed her head. "Oops, I thought it was in reverse, heh-heh…."

"Sam", Tanner calmly said.

"Yes?"

"Make sure the vehicle is in REVERSE!"

"I will!"

"Then do it!"

"Fine!"

She moved the lever again, looking out the mirror as she backed down the driveway. She turned on to the road, and started driving, heading to Malone. The Akatsuki was amazed when the vehicle started moving, but held silent. It was crowded enough with out talking.

Ten minutes later, Sam pulled into the Wal-mart parking lot, putting the vehicle in park and turning around in her seat. "Hey, we're here!"

They all piled out of the car, doing a pretty good impression of a clown car and making a few people stare, and stretched, complaining.

"God, it's good to feel my legs again!"

"It's Jashin, baka!"

"No one cares, Hidan."

"Fuck you!"

Sam led them into the store, Hidan's shouting scaring the greeter, and they all stood around, looking about the store with interest.

"All right, everyone, find a shirt, a pair of pants, and some swim trunks. Konan, pick out whatever swimsuit you want. We'll meet back here in five minutes so we can use the dressing rooms, all right?"

"Whatever."

"All right, now get going."

Sam shooed them away, and they split into groups, at least on person from this universe in each group. Sam was with Kakuzu, Hidan, Itachi, and Kisame, Lugen and Raven were with the newly-arrived Zetsu, Tobi, Deidara, and Sasori, and Tanner and Faith hung around Pein and Konan. Of course, chaos was to ensue.

The first group to have attention called to themselves was Lugen and Raven's group. A timid store employee came up to Zetsu, asking him to "please step out of the house-plant". Needless to say, Lugen had to restrain Zetsu from eating him while Raven attempted to explain it wasn't a plant, but part of him.

Pein, going to examine something, accidentally walked through one of the metal detectors, setting it off. Two security guards came up, and thoroughly examined him before declaring him weapon-free, Faith, Tanner, and Konan laughing at his predicament.

Hidan started complaining about wearing a shirt, something about it being against his religion, and Sam tried to calmly explain that he didn't have to get one if he didn't want to. Kisame was dragged off by the person in the fish department, who thought he was applying for a job. Itachi went to go rescue him, and his weakening eyes failed to spot the 'wet floor' sign, and he tragically fell.

Sam helped him up, after laughing first, and explained to the fish-person that Kisame was not applying for a job. Kakuzu had shoved Hidan into a trash bin, and said immortal was now cursing up a storm, drawing the attention of a few people.

Deidara found the art supplies section, and had dragged Sasori in, where Lugen and Faith found him trying to blow the modeling clay into bits. Sasori was examining the carved wooden pieces, muttering about poor workmanship, and Lugen dragged him away.

Fifteen minutes later, they all assembled at the designated meeting place, all muttering but somehow having found the clothes they now had to try on. Tanner, Faith, and Konan were still laughing at Pein, Zetsu was grumbling about being hungry, and Hidan was still swearing at Kakuzu.

Sam shook her head. "I am NEVER taking you guys anywhere ever again. Let's just hurry up and try the stuff on and get out of here."

In the dressing rooms, they discovered Kakuzu needed a bigger shirt, so Tanner went and found one while Faith helped Tobi pick out a pair of pants that actually fit. When they finished, Sam paid for the items, groaning at the cost of the items.

"Well, there goes all the money I saved up this summer."

"Sam, I thought you made more than this?"

"I did, but I gotta pay for lunch, too."

"Where are we going for lunch?"

"I was thinking McDonalds. Get us each two cheeseburgers, some fries, and a drink."

"Works for me."

"Good, because it's the only thing I can afford."

They piled into the vehicle again, and Sam drove a little ways further down the road, pulling into the restaurant's drive-way, pulling around to go into the drive-through. There, they had to wait for two cars to finish. In the meantime, Sam talked to Pein, who was still sulking because he didn't at least get second row eating.

"Hey, Pein, can you get Zetsu up here so I can talk to him?"

"What makes you think I can talk to him?"

"You have to be able to talk to him somehow."

Pein scowled, but Zetsu came up a few seconds later, looking confused.

"**I thought we were done stopping?** Yes, traveling underground here is most unpleasant."

"I'm getting lunch. Do you want to eat here, or go attack the squirrels when we get there?"

"Judging from the smells here, **I'd rather eat squirrels.**"

"Whatever. Just wait for us, okay?"

Zetsu shrugged and went back underground, no doubt terrifying the people in the car behind them. Sam edged forward, yawning. She placed the order, cringed at the price, but paid at the window and accepted the bags.

"All right, you guys each get two cheeseburgers, a small fry, and a coke. Tobi gets the drink with the orange liquid."

"Why is Tobi getting a HiC?"

"Do you really want to give him soda?"

"Never mind."

They handed out the food, and Kakuzu looked at the food suspiciously. "This looks like a heart attack waiting to happen."

"It's a good thing you have five hearts, then, because this is the only thing I could afford."

Kakuzu sighed and lowered his mask to take a bite out of it, frowning at the taste. Hidan frowned.

"Cheer up, ya' fucking miser. That frown's gonna end up permanently on your face."

Sam suddenly started laughing, car swerving on its path and making a few other vehicles dodge, honking their horns at her.

"Sam, pay attention to the road!"

"Sorry, it's just what he said reminded of my grandmother. She used to say that to me all the time."

"Great, I sound like a fucking old hag…", Hidan muttered, folding his arms and sinking down in his seat. Lugen edged away from him uncomfortably, squishing Raven slightly.

Sam turned off the main road, onto a road surrounded by nothing but trees.

"Hey, Sam, how long are we going to take?"

"About another half an hour. If I can stay awake long enough."

Faith eyed her. "Why are you so tired?"

"I didn't get much sleep last night."

"Well, if you need me to drive, just say so."

Sam yawned. "Actually, I think that's a good idea."

She pulled over suddenly, opening her door. "Just continue along this road until you get to the Lake Road. Turn onto it, and follow it for about five miles. You'll see two garages up on hills. Right before the second one, there's a driveway lined by a rock wall. That's the camp driveway."

She then blinked. "Crap, we're going to have to rearrange the seats. Let's see….Lugen, come up front and take Tanner's seat. Tobi, be a good boy and squish on the floor in front of him. Tanner, you'll sit where Tobi was sitting, and I'll take Lugen's seat."

"Great, stick me next to emo boy and Pinocchio", Tanner muttered.

"Deal with it, I'm tired."

They squished around, Sam sliding next to Hidan. She tilted her head back and fell swiftly asleep.

Faith turned on to the road jerkily, not used to the Durango's sensitive steering, and the resulting motion caused Sam's head to fall on Hidan shoulder. He looked down at her, and cursed quietly before turning to look out the window.

Tanner grinned. "Have fun, Hidan."

"Why?"

"She's a sleep snuggler. And a very aggressive one at that."

Hidan eyed her. "How bad could she be?"

Ten minutes later, Hidan no longer had feeling in his right arm and he was currently trying to pull some of her hair out of his mouth with out waking her, as the previous time she had bit him and went back to sleep.

Tanner was sitting there laughing at his pain, knowing the experience himself from when Sam had fallen asleep on him the one trip. Raven kept poking her to see how she would react, which was mostly growls.

Hidan tried pulling his arm out from under her, but she just frowned and latched her arms around it, holding it tighter. He gritted his teeth, and tried to ignore the tingling feeling as his circulation was cut off.

Faith watched them in the mirror, smiling. "Sam's cute when she's asleep."

"Yeah, when she's not attacking you."

"That's what I meant."

"Fuck you, bitch."

"Don't call my girlfriend a bitch", Tanner said, looking angry.

Hidan snorted. "Or what?"

"I'll wake up Sam."

Hidan narrowed his eyes. "You wouldn't."

"Try me."

Hidan looked uncertain, but he finally just sighed and went back to watching the scenery flash by, muttering to himself. Tanner grinned in victory, but knew better than to rub it in.

Faith spotted the road Sam had mentioned and turned onto it, cringing as the resulting bump caused Sam to stir.

She twitched, but just hugged Hidan's arm even tighter and went back to sleep, muttering to herself. Lugen looked at her.

"You know, it's amazing how snuggly she can be when she's asleep. She's terrified of hugs when she's awake."

"Really?" Hidan said, looking down at her.

Lugen slapped his forehead. "Great, I just gave you a way to torture her."

"That you did."

Lugen just shook his head, staring vacantly ahead. Tobi piped up from the floor at Lugen's feet.

"How much longer does Tobi have to sit here? Tobi is getting very uncomfortable."

"I'm not sure, Tobi. About six or seven minutes, maybe", Faith answered, looking for the two garages up on a hill. After a few minutes, she passed the first one, and kept her eyes open for the second. It appeared suddenly, and Faith had to break hard in order to turn into the driveway.

Sam fell forward along with the rest, and growled as she was disturbed, biting Hidan's arm in punishment.

He swore loudly and glared at her, definitely planning on getting revenge. Faith drove down the bumpy driveway, pulling in right beside a red truck that must have belonged to Sam's grandparents.

Everyone piled out of the car, leaving Hidan with Sam.

"Hey, what about me?!" he shouted, waving his arm at the sleeping girl.

"You can wake her up!" Tanner said cheerfully, slamming his door shut.

"I HATE YOU!"

He looked down at Sam, biting his lip. How the hell was he supposed to wake her up without harming himself?!

Finally, he just sighed and grabbed her arms, swiftly tugging his own free and pushing her away.

Her eyes slid open, an evil glint appearing in them.

"Why are you waking me up?" she hissed, slowly sitting up.

"We're fucking at your grandparents' camp, and I'm not letting you sleep on me any longer."

She blinked. "Camp?"

"Yes. You know, the lake, the ratty looking house…"

"Camp!" she squealed happily, leaping past him out the open door, accidentally kneeing him in the stomach. He coughed and doubled over, wheezing as he struggled to breathe again.

Sam's grandparents came out then, smiling happily.

"Sam! You came out to visit us!"

She nodded happily, all traces of grumpiness gone. "Yep! And I brought some friends, I hope you don't mind."

"Of course not! I don't think we have enough room for them all, though."

"It's all right. Some of us can sleep in the tent once we set it up."

She then turned around to look at everyone else.

"Welcome to camp!"

**A/N:** Oops, I accidently put this chapter up. This is actually chapter five. I'm sorry for any confusion. Please go back and read the real chapter four, it would make me happy.


	6. Camp at its best

Before Sam would even let them enter the descript looking building, she first had to explain the rules.

"All right everyone, listen up. The rules are: No attacking the neighbors, no bombing the neighbors, no threatening the neighbors, no EATING the neighbors, don't burn the house down, don't try to kill each other, and Hidan?"

"What the fuck do you want?"

"This is a Christian household. No arguments about religion. My grandmother may be seventy-six, but she will still kick your ass with a wooden spoon if you doubt her faith. Got it?"

"One question: What's Christian?"

"Put it this way, don't argue about gods, you will lose. You have every right to support your god here, just don't brag about it."

"Wait a minute. Are they fucking heathens?"

"I think they're a little old for that!" Tanner cracked.

"Tanner, shut up. I love my grandparents. And yes, Hidan, by your definition they are heathens. Still, they will not insult your god if you do not insult theirs. Keep the peace, I love them."

Hidan muttered, and Sam took that as an assent. Finally, she waved them in. "Come on, everyone!"

They walked through the screen door, and the first thing they noticed was a teenage boy sitting on the couch. As soon as he heard the door open, he looked up curiously, seeing who was there.

As his eyes landed on Sam, he screeched, popping a few eardrums, and jumped up and shoved Kisame aside before bolting out the door, shrieking the entire way. Sam smiled after him.

"Good boy!"

She then went and sat on the couch he had been previously occupying, not even fazed by the boy's reaction.

Kisame blinked. "Who was that?"

"My little brother."

"And why did he react like that?"

Tanner explained for him. "He's terrified of her."

"I can see that! Why, though?"

Raven spoke up. "Because she beats him into the ground about every day. Sam, what was the last thing you made him eat?"

"His face landed near dog shit, so I made him eat it", Sam grinned sadistically, propping her feet up on the coffee table. Raven gave Kisame a pointed look before joining her, sinking into the soft cushions.

They gaped at her. "Damn, I thought Itachi was fucking evil! Why did you do that to him?!"

"He didn't move when I told him I wanted his seat."

"So you made him eat fucking dog shit?!"

"With us, there is a dictatorship. I say something, he better do it before I hurt him for not doing it fast enough. If I say jump, you do it, don't even bother asking how high. He learned that the hard way."

They stared at her, and some of them edged away slightly, looking uneasy. Sam noticed this, and said, "Oh come on, I'm not gonna hurt you guys. What, are a bunch of S-rank criminals scared of the Big Bad Sam?"

"I am not fucking scared of some fucking bitch!"

"Excuse me, young man, but please watch your language."

Hidan paused in his rant to look down on the elderly woman, over a head taller then her. Her hands were folded over with a sever case of arthritis, and she looked pale, like she was sick or something.

"And if I don't?" he asked uncertainly, wondering if this was the same grandmother Sam said could kick his ass.

"Well, if you don't, I suppose you're sleeping outside. I don't mind some language, but too much is disrespectful, especially when it is directed at my beloved granddaughter."

All the Akatsuki burst into laughter at her comment, and Sam grinned.

"Thank you, Nana!"

"No problem, Sam."

Her grandmother then continued her trek to the kitchen, leaving behind a bewildered Hidan. Sam turned to him, grinning.

"I love my grandmother."

"I thought you said she could kick my ass?" he asked, unconsciously keeping his voice low.

"She could, but I wouldn't let her. Before she even laid a finger on you, I would kill you, so don't try anything on her. I will not let anyone hurt my Nana."

Everyone was surprised by the devotion she was showing, but they were smart enough not to react. Since when did anything about Sam surprise them anymore?

As if on cue, her little brother walked in at that moment, complaining loudly to their grandfather.

"Why is SHE here?! I thought you said she was going to be gone! I don't want HER here! She'll eat me!"

Sam snorted. "I don't eat garbage, sorry."

"Oh shut up!"

Sam flicked her gaze to his face, glaring. "Or what? What are you going to do to me, Morgan?"

"I'll…..I'll…", he stuttered, unable to come up with anything.

Sam yawned. "Thought so."

Morgan's face flushed in anger. "Shut up!"

He walked to the kitchen, yanking a large knife out of a tall cup on the counter, and brandished it angrily, face red.

Sam growled, as if bored, and calmly walked up to him, yanking the knife out of his hand and smacking his head for good measure. He yelped and ducked away, skittering away like an abused dog.

Sam waved the knife at him, lecturing. "If you take out a knife against me one more time, I am going to use it on you. You are not dangerous, nor will you ever be. I am not afraid of you, and you might want to remember that before threatening me again. Do you understand?"

He glared, but nodded. Sam dropped her frown, though the glare was still present.

"Good. Now go help Papa or something, you're stinking up the house."

When she mentioned it, the Akatsuki noticed an unpleasant odor emanating from the boy, as if he didn't shower enough.

The boy flushed angrily again, but kept his head low as he walked by her to go outside. She watched him leave, then flopped back down on the couch, picking up a magazine to leaf through it.

Hidan shook his head. "Damn, bitch, you're cruel."

"I take pride in that."

He just rolled his eyes and sat on another couch, staring vacantly out the large window. Seagulls were squealing outside, and a gentle breeze was blowing, rattling the wind chimes. All in all, it was peaceful. And of course, Hidan was unable to tolerate peace for very long.

"Oi, how about we put that lake to use?" he grinned, gesturing through yet another bay window.

Sam just waved her hand. "Get the bags out of the Durango and bring them in so I can remove the tags, then."

"Sam, are you going to swim?" Tanner asked.

"No. I'm going kayaking."

"Kayaking?" the Akatsuki echoed, except for Tobi, who was being a good boy and getting the bags.

"If one of you want to learn, we have two. However, I have dibs on the green one."

"Why, un?"

"Because the green one rocks my totally awesome socks."

They all looked down at her bare feet.

"Figuratively speaking."

"Ah."

Tobi came in with the bags then, barely able to see over the pyramid. "Tobi could use some help!"

Sam got up automatically, pulling a few bags off the pile and bringing them to the table. Tobi dumped the rest there as well, panting with the effort of bringing them in.

Deidara snorted. "You're tired, un? You're a ninja, you shouldn't be tired."

"But the bags are heavy, sempai!"

"You know, Deidara's right, Tobi. Good boys should be able to carry those", Raven added in. Deidara flashed her a thank-you smile, and she grinned back.

Tobi's visible eye started watering. "But….but……but Tobi's a good boy!"

"You guys are mean! It's okay, Tobi, I think you're a good boy", Faith said, getting up to hug Tobi. Tanner frowned, but stayed quiet. Sam noticed this, and smiled uneasily.

"All right Tobi, come help me remove the tags. Faith, can you get the scissors in the drawer over there?" Sam pointed to one of the many drawers lining the kitchen, and Faith started looking through it. While her back was turned, Sam started gesturing to Tanner, face serious for once.

He frowned, but ignored her, though he obviously saw her motions. Sam growled softly at the lack of response, but gave up and turned back to Faith to accept the scissors.

"Thank you, Faith. Come on, Tobi, let's get cutting."

Together, the two started cutting off the tags, tossing them into a pile when they were removed. When they finished, Sam swept the pile into a trash can, before turning back to hand out clothes.

"All right, everyone, come get your clothes. If you want to change into your swimsuits now, just use the bathroom around the corner."

Everyone came forth to accept the bundles, and Deidara and Hidan got into a race to see who could get to the bathroom first. Unfortunately, Hidan tripped over a step he failed to see, and Deidara rushed by him, slamming the door in his face. Hidan swore, and limped back to the living room, before sitting on the couch.

As soon as he flopped down, he pulled his pant leg up to poke at his skinned knee, watching the blood flow out with a detached face.

Sam entered the room then, and blinked at the site of Hidan bleeding before rushing over to assist him.

"Geez, not even twenty minutes here and you already hurt yourself? Hold still, I'll get something for it."

She walked into the kitchen, opening various cupboards and pulling out a few strange bottles. While she was doing this, Hidan said, "Oi, I'll be fine. I'm immortal, remember?"

"I don't want to hear you complaining later that it stings, so sit your ass back down on the couch before I have to forcibly restrain you."

He blinked in surprise, and did as he was told. She knelt next to his leg and started dabbing at it with a cotton swab soaked in rubbing alcohol, and he hissed as it started stinging.

"Damn, bitch! What are you putting on it?"

"Rubbing alcohol. The peroxide's in the bathroom. It'll sting, but that'll be it."

He growled, but continued watching as she set the bloody swab off to the side, pulling out a weird looking paste.

"Hey, what's that?! I don't want you putting some weird shit on my leg!"

She blinked. "It's Vaseline. It works really well for sealing wounds. This is what we use when we cut our feet on clamshells."

He leaned back against the couch and let her apply the yellow-ish cream, noticing Kisame head into the bathroom.

"Oi, you fucker! I'm next!"

"You seem to be occupied right now, so I'm going in."

"Fish-stick, if you go in there-!"

SLAM!

"Fucker!"

"Young man, I don't want to talk to you again", a voice sounded from behind him, and he yelped in surprise before whirling around to look at Sam's grandmother.

"When did you get there?!"

"She was there the whole time, Hidan. What, you didn't see her?" Sam asked, screwing the cap back onto the Vaseline.

"Sam, your family seems to have this odd ability to disappear at times. Seriously, remember that time you stayed at my house, and Emily forgot you were there? Even though you were sleeping right next to her?" Raven pointed out.

"That just means she wasn't paying attention, not that I 'dissapeared'."

"Sam, you do tend to vanish at times", Tanner said.

Sam frowned. "I do not!"

"Sam, you're just really quiet at times. Really, it does seem like you vanish. Especially when you don't want to be found."

Sam's frown grew deeper. "If I don't want to be found, then I make sure no one sees me. I don't 'dissapear'."

All of her friends rolled their eyes, but allowed Sam to stay in her own little world. Hidan, watching the exchange oddly, rose, testing his knee.

He blinked. "Hey, you did a good job on this."

"I treat my own injuries, I should hope I did a good job", Sam replied back irratibly, still in a bad mood from the previous conversation.

"Whatever, I'm going to change once fish-face gets out."

Kisame opened the door then, and Hidan rushed in, barely allowing Kisame to fully exit the doorway before slamming it shut. Sam blinked.

"You guys DO know you can change in the rooms upstairs, right?"

They all stared at her. "Why didn't you mention that earlier, un?"

She shrugged. "Guess I wasn't thinking."

"What's new?" Itachi remarked dryly, and he got the barest glimpse of an evil look on Sam's face. However, when he turned his head, it vanished. He still made a vow to himself to not let his guard down, though. He trusted her about as much as he trusted Tobi with Deidara's clay.

Within fifteen minutes, they all had changed, even Sam. She got Kakuzu to help her pull the kayaks out of the boathouse, and they set them on the beach, one dark green, one bright yellow.

Hidan looked at them with interest. "Hey, how do you kayak?"

"You want me to show you?"

He thought for a second, then responded, "Eh, why not. Maybe we can use these back in our universe."

"All right, then, pull the yellow one in the water while I go get the paddles."

She padded off to the boathouse, and Hidan started dragging the kayak into the water, looking at the contraption oddly. Sam came back with two paddles, and placed the blue and red one in his.

"All right, now get in. I'll hold it steady so you don't tip."

He managed to clamber into the yellow boat, and Sam handed him the paddle before climbing into her own. She back-paddled away from the shore, and Hidan mimicked her actions, looking surprised at how readily the boat responded.

"Don't use too much force. Okay, just follow me."

"Oi, how do you work this thing?!"

"Paddle, head into waves, and don't lean."

"That's it?"

"That's all I knew when I started."

"Bitch."

Sam ignored him and started paddling away, leaving him no choice but to struggle after her.

Lugen watched her leave, shaking his head. "This won't bode well."

Kakuzu frowned. "What do you mean?"

"You have two idiots out there on the water, one of which doesn't know how to kayak at all. Something's going to go wrong."

"Think we should see if they're all right?"

"Hell no, I want to laugh when they come back."

Tanner and Faith were in the shade of a tree, seeming to be discussing something quietly, and Pein examined the apple tree, pulling a few unripe apples off. Konan was doing some origami, and Deidara was splashing about in the water attempting to swim while Sasori tried to give pointers. Of course, they both came from places where large bodies of water were pretty much non-existant, so the activity obviously did not work.

Kisame swam expertly through the waves, and Itachi sat at an old picnic table, reading a book he had found. Tobi was trying to figure out what a life-jacket was, and Zetsu was chasing squirrels in hope of a snack. Raven joined Deidara and gave him some pointers, since she was on the swim team at her school.

Lugen started holding a conversation with Itachi, who looked mildly surprised that he found someone with an intellect like his. Kakuzu was poring through the boathouse, trying to figure out what the small yacht in there did, and Pein gave up the apple tree in favor of sitting in the sun, light reflecting off his many piercings.

Within ten minutes of the pair leaving, Sam and Hidan appeared around the bend in the lake, Sam laughing and towing Hidan's kayak behind her, and the albino soaked beyond belief and shivering heavily.

Kakuzu stared, then asked, "What happened?"

Sam ground to shore as she answered. "Hidan wanted to see what was underneath his boat, and he fell in."

Hidan got out of his boat as soon as it touched bottom, and stood up, shivering deeply. "Th-th-the w-w-w-water's f-fff-fffff-fucking c-c-c-cold!"

Sam just kept laughing and dragged Hidan's kayak on shore, tipping it over to dump it out. At least three gallons of water spilled out, and Sam laughed harder.

"Shut up-p-p, b-b-b-bitch!"

"All right, all right, I'll stop." Still, she chuckled to herself as she set the small boat into the sun to dry, and took care of her own boat after, coiling the rope up and stuffing it into the front of the boat.

Hidan stomped over to his towel and drew it over his shoulders, sitting in the sunlight in an attempt to warm up. His teeth chattered as he looked around, and tried to ignore the others laughing at him.

Sam looked simpathetically at him, and walked over to her towel, picking it up before draping it around his shoulders.

He looked up at her in surprise, then chattered, "Th-th-thanks."

"No problem. You're cold, I'm not gonna need my towel, so I'd figure I'd give it to you."

She shrugged it off and walked away, leaving the rest to look at her oddly, except for Tanner and Faith, who were coming back just then and looking slightly sad.

"Hey guys, what's up?" Sam asked, head tilted to the side.

Tanner mumbled something, which Sam apparently understood, because she immediately got a lost look on her face.

"What's up?" Lugen asked, nudging her.

"They broke up", she replied quietly, still looking confused.

"Why?"

"Tanner didn't say. And I have no clue how to make them both feel better. Ugh, I hate situations like this. I have no clue how to handle them."

Tanner and Faith had walked off in different directions, Tanner sitting down and Faith going inside. Sam looked back and forth between the two, before sighing and heading over to Tanner.

"Why are you going over there?"

"He's been my friend since second grade, he gets priority."

She sat down next to him, and tried to make him feel better.

**A/N:** Allright, I know I owed someone an appearence in this chapter. I'm sorry, I couldn't fit you in. Tanner and Faith broke up in real-life, so I had to turn the chapter to fit that. I'm sorry, it will be in the next chapter. *bows*

Which leads to my next problem. Sorry, people, but I have huge writer's block. I have no ideas, and I can't find the inspiration to do anything. I will write, just don't expect too much. I can guarentee I will be back, and I will talk to you guys, but I just can't get the motivation to write. All I really want to do is just lay in bed and sleep. Again, I'm sorry. This will be continued, but I'm not sure when. And please don't review begging or threatening me, it won't make the muse come back any faster. In fact, I can guarentee it will just make me mad at you, and I can be scary when I'm mad.


	7. Icecream disaster

Kakuzu yawned, feeling lazy with the drone of the bugs and the gentle heat that surrounded him. It really was a peaceful place. The lake gently splashed against the shore, the breeze rustled the leaves, it was perfect.

Except for the arguing Hidan and Deidara.

He opened one eye grumpily, looking at the two. They were seriously starting to piss him off, and from the looks on everyone else's faces, they weren't far behind. Sam walked out of the camp, an irritated look on her face.

"Hey, we can hear you guys arguing from inside! Can you keep it down?"

"Fucking blondie here said I was a fucking idiot!"

"That's because you are, un!"

Sam growled and ignored them, walking into the boathouse. She walked back out carrying a strange, brightly-colored device, and walked to the lake, everyone eyeing her suspiciously. She dunked the thing under the water, and pulled it up, pumping a lever on the side. When she judged the pressure was enough, she aimed.

Hidan and Deidara screamed and jumped away from the cold blast, Deidara's hand automatically reaching for his clay pouch (confiscated by Pein). While he remembered he didn't have it anymore, Hidan started yelling at Sam, who calmly pulled the trigger again, dousing him in another cold blast.

"Will you fucking- Hey cut it- Will you stop- Cut it out already!"

He knocked the object from her hands, and she merely blinked up at him, feigning innocence. He growled at her for a bit, but then swore and walked away, mumbling to himself. As soon as Hidan's back was turned, a devious grin spread across her face, and she pranced over to the circle of chairs happily.

"What was that?" Kakuzu asked, looking at the innocent-looking piece of plastic on the ground.

"Shot him with a squirt gun. That's how I train my dogs not to bark, I figured it'd work on him."

"Clever."

"Isn't it?"

"You guys are acting like he's not within hearing distance", Raven remarked.

Sam blinked. "Who's within hearing distance?"

They stared at her. She started to fidget. They kept staring. Finally, she spoke up.

"Guys, I seriously have no clue who we're talking about. Enlighten me?" (People who talk to me will regularly get this)

They all face-palmed.

"What?"

They all just laughed and walked away, leaving Sam in her confusion. She just shrugged and slouched down, stealing the book from Itachi's hands.

"I was reading that."

"And now I am."

He glared at her, but just sighed and walked off as well, wondering what would happen to the blind pony and his guide-dog. Would they escape the fire? Or would they burn? Thanks to Sam, he would never know.

"Hey, guys, do you want to go get ice-cream?"

They all looked up at Sam, lounging in various pieces of furniture. After a few hours of fooling around, they had come in to relax.

"What's ice-cream?" Kisame asked.

"Frozen milk, pretty much", Lugen replied, tapping out a few drum beats on the table.

"Lugen, try adding a few triplets and flam's in there. Maybe around the second beats of each. Anyways, yes, that's the basics of ice-cream. Only it tastes better than Lugen made it sound."

"I'm in", pretty much everyone in the room said, except Kakuzu, Pein, and Konan.

"You guys don't want to go?"

"Doesn't sound that good."

"Your choice. Anyways, Faith, my grandfather said it was all right to borrow his truck, so you'll be driving that. Three people go with her."

She tossed Faith the keys, and Tanner walked over with Lugen and Raven. Even though the two had broken up, they were still getting along.

"Why aren't you guys coming with me?" Sam whined, looking sad.

"Because your driving makes me scared for the poor people who have to drive on the other side of the road", Tanner said bluntly.

"And it makes us fear for our own lives as well", Faith added.

"You guys are mean!"

"But correct."

"That may be, but it's still mean!"

"Great, now we're stuck with the fucking ADD driver?"

"I don't have ADD!" Sam shouted. They looked at her, eyebrows raised.

"If you're going to insult me with my behavioral problems, at least use the right one. I have ADHD", am said, with emphasis on the 'H'.

Hidan rolled his eyes. "And that's better?"

"Not really, but it sucks to be you, doesn't it?" Sam grinned.

Pein shook his head. "Maybe I'd better go, if only to make sure they behave."

"It would be the smart thing to do", Konan said.

"And I'm staying behind", Sasori said.

"Why aren't you going?"

"……You're going to laugh."

"I promise I won't."

He looked at her, then sighed and mumbled, "I just remembered I don't need to eat stuff."

Sam snorted, but, true to her word, did not outright laugh.

"What'd he say?" Deidara asked.

"If you didn't hear it, you don't need to know."

Try as he might, he couldn't get a word from her. He eventually gve up, but resolved to get it out of her later.

They all climbed into the vehicles, Faith adjusting the mirrors of the red GMC pickup truck.

Through the window, Sam handed her a walkie-talkie.

"What's this for?" Faith asked.

"If you get separated from me, I can give you directions."

"Oh."

Sam climbed into the Durango, Pein in the passenger seat. There was room for everyone this time, so they weren't sitting on each other's laps.

Sam pulled out, and Faith started following her. They kept up an easy conversation through the walkie-talkies, until Sam's cell-phone rang.

She pulled it out of her pocket, flipping it open and hitting the 'speaker' button, setting it on her lap and shushing the others.

"Hello?"

"_Sam? It's me, your mom."_

"Hey! How are you doing?"

"_I'm fine. How's my baby?"_

"I'm fine", Sam said, ignoring the snickers of everyone else.

"_Not you, the Durango!"_

They couldn't help themselves. They all burst into laughter, tears streaming down their faces. Sam rolled her eyes.

"Gee, thanks mom. You do know you're on speaker, right?"

"_Oh, I mean, how's my baby girl doing?"_

This just caused the laughter to grow. Sam smiled as she made a left turn.

"I don't think you fooled anyone there."

"_Oh well. But seriously, you haven't ruined it yet, have you?"_

"Okay, I SWEAR the tree jumped in front of me!"

"_SAM!"_

"I'm kidding, I'm kidding. I'm driving it now."

"_Don't do that again. Knowing you, you WOULD drive into a tree."_

"You have insurance, don't you?"

"_That's not the point."_

"Thanks for having faith in my driving. Anyways, how's Florida?"

"_Just as I remember it. Hot, muggy, and full of mosquitoes."_

"You make it sound so nice."

"_Stop the sarcasm. It is nice, I guess. But why couldn't I have won a trip to Kansas instead?"_

"Because the world hates you and wants you to suffer by sending you to where you spent your childhood."

"…_..Nice. anyways, I have to go. Todd wants to call Matt. Talk to you later?"_

"I'm at camp right now, so I'm not sure what kind of cell-phone reception I get. But you can try."

"_All right then, I'll call. Bye!"_

"Bye."

The conversation ended with a click, and Sam shut the lid on her phone. Hidan snorted.

"Wow, sounds like your mom cares!"

"She does, we just joke around and stuff."

Sam pulled into a parking lot, shutting off the vehicle as Faith pulled in beside her.

"All right, everyone out!"

They all piled out of the vehicle, and some of the people sitting on benches turned their gazes toward them curiously, not used to seeing so many people pile out of one vehicle. One girl looked up intently as Pein stepped out of the Durango, and the next second he was tackled to the ground by a black-haired blur.

"Pein-sama, oh my god, I can't believe you're here!" she screeched, nuzzling her face into his chest while he struggled to breathe.

"Help!" he managed to gasp, feeling his lungs slowly being crushed. His attacker, a black-haired girl with purple streaks, sat on top of him, pinning him to the ground. He struggled madly to get free, but she managed to hold him.

Sam stared curiously. "Wow, I never knew someone was fan-girl enough to attack a cosplayers", she said brightly, managing to hide who they really were in a few words. Itachi would have been proud, if he wasn't currently trying to order from a tree.

"Itachi, the person's this way", Kisame said gently, leading him away. Itachi glared at the tree, but followed.

Pein continued to squirm on the ground, and Sam watched him for a little while longer before shrugging and walking off to order, leaving him at the girl's mercy. Which apparently wasn't much.

"Oh my god, I can't believe I actually met Pein-sama! SQUEEEEE! Oh, my name's Mika, and I'm fifteen years old….", she continued to ramble on, until all Pein wanted to do was bury his head in the sand until he managed to block out the annoying voice.

Sam, holding a chocolate-dipped vanilla cone, finally walked over and assisted him, dragging the girl off by the collar of her shirt. She handed the choking girl to Kisame, who managed to hold her until Pein could safely escape to the safety of the car, gasping.

"Why didn't you rescue me earlier?!" he croaked, gaining his lungs back.

Sam shrugged. "It was kinda entertaining to see you being attacked by a fan-girl. And I'm lazy."

He glared, but focused on regaining his lung ability, gasping for air and spitting up sand.

Holding her ice-cream cone, Sam turned on the Durango, putting it into drive and pulling carefully out of the drive-way. Hidan blinked.

"Why the fuck are you driving so slow?"

"I have ice-cream, and I'm not endangering it for any reason!" she exclaimed, lapping up some of the stuff melting down the sides. He stared at her, but slowly shook his head and went back to staring out the window, slowly eating his chocolate cone.

When they pulled into the drive-way, they saw Morgan standing there waiting, a bag in one hand.

Sam parked, then asked, "Where do you think you're going?"

"I'm having Papa drive me home."

"Why?"

"Because I don't want to be where you are?!" he shouted, glaring at her.

She shrugged. "Well, if you're going home, take care of the chores."

"Why should I?!"

"That way I don't have to go down and do them. Do you really want to see me down there?"

He flushed. "I'll do them."

"Good boy."

Sam reached out and patted him on the head, then finally opened her door, unlocking the rest of the doors in the vehicle. They all clambered out, Tobi struggling to lick his hand clean of the remnants of his cone, and headed in, smelling some wonderful smells floating through the air.

In the kitchen, Sam's grandmother was cooking, stirring a pot on the stove.

Sam leaned in and sniffed, wrinkling her nose. "Spaghetti?"

"Yes."

"Sweet!"

She then pranced off, leaving the rest to stare after her.

"Where's she going?"

"Probably to do something."

Sam came back with a bunch of fold-up chairs, setting them up in the living room.

"You guys are going to have to sit out here. Some of you can sit in there."

Hidan, already in the kitchen, immediately sat down at the table, and Sam scooted into a chair beside him not long after.

"Pick a seat, guys."

There was a mad scramble, and somehow everyone found themselves seated. Sam's grandmother came around, handing out plates. Hidan took a bite of his, considered it, and put his fork back down.

"Oi, do you have any pepper?"

Sam looked at him warily.

"If you're going to use that crap, make sure it stays in your bowl."

"Why are you having such a fucking spaz over pepper?"

"Because I'm allergic to it."

"What?! No way!"

"Yes, I am, so make sure it stays in YOUR bowl. The nearest hospital is about forty minutes away."

"What happens when you eat it?" Konan asked, also at the table.

"My throat closes up, and I stop breathing", Sam shrugged, taking another bite of the dish. Konan stared at her, then just went back to her own food in thoughtful contemplation. Hidan also looked at her oddly, then set the pepper down without using it. Maybe another time.

When supper was finished, almost everyone making a mess, they piled the dishes in the sink, lounging around. Sam ventured upstairs, and came back down carrying something.

"What's that?" Faith asked.

"A tent. Some of us are going to have to sleep outside. We'll decide who later, but we might want to get the tent set up before night falls."

She handed it to Kakuzu, who took the bundle in surprise.

"You can get someone to help you set it up, I'm going to look for extra blankets. I'll meet you outside."

She ventured back to the stairs, and Kakuzu went outside, taking Itachi and Kisame with him.

"This oughta be good", Lugen remarked, propping his feet on the coffee table.

"Why do you say that?" Raven asked.

"Just wait."

Three minutes later, Sam came outside to see a disaster.

She stared at the arrangement of poles in surprise, unblinking, before finally asking, "What did you guys DO?"

"How the hell do you set up this thing?!" Kakuzu demanded, looking at the directions, and holding one pole up.

Sam merely stared a bit more, then started laughing, dropping the blankets as she bent over to use her knees as a prop.

"I can't believe you guys can't figure out a tent! Oh dear lord, that's pathetic!"

"Just shut up and help us!" they all shouted, glaring at her.

She grinned and wiped some tears from her eyes, but walked over to help, taking every pole out of what they had done so far.

With a few simple motions, she had the basic frame together and was pulling the tent up, Kakuzu assisting her. With her help, they soon had the tent up, and they stood there, looking at it.

"That is a useless device. It takes too long to assemble it", Kakuzu muttered darkly.

"We're not in danger of war here, so it doesn't matter if it takes long or not."

She unzipped the door, throwing the blankets in.

"Now", she said brightly, "time to decide who sleeps in the tent, and who sleeps outside!"

**To be continued next chapter….**

**A/N: Sorry you had to wait so long, but I had a serious case of writer's block. But, thanks to a wonderful reviewer, it is now gone. So now you can look forward to more chapters!**


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